On 27th August after some early morning cuddles with our son, Arran and I made our way to our local maternity hospital ready to welcome our daughter. I sit and write this one month later as she sleeps on my chest after it has been the most wonderful month.
Our daughter, Evie arrived at 9.44am via elective caesarean weighing 7lb 5oz with a head full of hair and the sweetest button nose.
It was the most perfect, life-affirming experience after our son's incredibly traumatic birth. I tried writing about how I was feeling in a blog post a couple of times during my second pregnancy but I just couldn't do it. I was terrified everything would go wrong again and with my prenatal experience once again being less than satisfactory, I didn't have high hopes.
We've always wanted two children and I knew to do that I'd have to go through pregnancy and birth again. I was terrified, there were lots of tears in the lead-up - even as my spinal went in I was crying as I was so scared it was going to go wrong again and yet in just 45 minutes I had our girl in my arms. My birth plan was respected and the team did everything they could to follow it. Most importantly, my body didn't just exhaustedly give up nor did I have a reaction to the drugs - one of my main fears for this birth.
Much like last time, I won't be sharing my birth on my blog, I think it's enough I can say it went well. I will still be attending a Birth After Thoughts session so I can get full clarity on it and hopefully continue with counselling to close the first chapter and start to live again.
One month later and so far, things are going really well. Recovery has been positive and dare I say it, easy this time around. I feel good, like really good - sure my body has changed but not too much, I'm back in my jeans, my incision although slower to heal, has healed well with no nasty infection like last time. Mentally I feel good as well - I suffered from post-natal depression and PTSD so I am worried about things taking a turn but for the moment I'm okay.
The care this time has been much better, it's as though they can't do enough which is a world away from 2017. We had such a positive health visitor appointment a few weeks ago, words I can't believe I'm saying after last time. We've had zero judgement on us bottle feeding which is something that holds a lot of emotion for me, she was so happy with how bubba is doing especially as she was back to birth weight quickly and her words "you can never cuddle a baby enough" is just what I needed to hear.
I was continuously told to put our son down so he wouldn't get used to being held which broke me.
I wish I could tell who I was in 2017 that it gets better. It has been such a different experience this time which in turn has allowed us to be a much calmer parenting team, trust in that we know what we're doing and be firm when we're asked questions by health care professionals. Our decisions have been respected and supported by all and I can just breathe such a sigh of relief.
I needed this experience and to be honest, I deserved it - I needed to know that birth could be a beautifully positive experience. I feel as though it is already helping me heal and allowing me to unpack my previous trauma.
I feel at peace. I'm so grateful that I now get to experience life as a family of four.
